下一步的路

过去的一年半吧，
我总习惯向他奔去。

不管是我伤心，开心，
想要放松，想要走街，
想要尝试新的餐厅，
想要逃离在科克的现实，
我都会订车票，
就去了。

有时候，
他说他想我了，
想要我过去，
我也就去了。

有时候，
会觉得，
我好像比较需要他，
多过他需要我。

累了想要休息，
因此决定不再像以前盲目的奔去。
不是想要玩拉锯战，
而是想要看看，
在我停留在原地时，
那个人愿不愿意回头，
带着思念向我奔来。

郁闷

有时候吧

我觉得我做人很失败
在我很郁闷
很想要找人陪的时候
想找人说说话的时候
还真找不到人

家人不回复短讯
男朋友太忙
不想要麻烦朋友

结果，得自己呆着。

人生来就是孤独的啊！

I wish to go home!

Hello! I'm back to Cork, Ireland to start another semester of my 3rd year dental life.

Life is pretty hard here, at least, for me. Thus, i do not really like coming back to ireland.

If you have been reading my previous posts, you will know that i face several difficulties here in Cork. No friends, no family, and a boring life haha. After 3 months of trying to get used to it, i hope i am 100% immune to it, but sometimes, when loneliness struck, my heart still aches.

I always ask myself, how long will i need to lead a life that i am not happy with? The answer is obvious, it is 2.5 years. I always hope that someone could walk through this hardship with me, but unfortunately, i think i might need to face it alone. Maybe, after this 2.5 years, I won't be the same me anymore.

How i wish, i could be at home. Family is always my main support :)

thinking out loud

Sometimes, i think i am weird.

I am weird in the sense that after i have done something, i will tend to look back, and check if what i have done is appropriate to others, and of course to myself. Human beings are selfish. We tend to take care of our own interests at the first place. However, if you think back and see what people have done for you, will you actually start questioning yourself :" Have i done anything for that person who cared for me so much?" Having someone that cares for you is really a bliss, and yet sometimes we tend to neglect or take them for granted. Yes, we might be busy. But don't forget, everyone is busy. Everyone has their own lives to take care of, and yet when you need them, they are there. Why is this so?

 I guess the only answer to it is priority :)

People always say that i only write in the blog whenever i am moody. Well, that is absolutely true. Sometimes when you confide too much to other people, they might feel annoyed that you always complain. I guess there's a limit to everyone's tolerance towards negative feelings. Haha. So....the only 'person' that will never run away from me is.....a non-organism! so...yeah. this is the place where i throw all the shitty feelings to! Thank you for bearing with me blog. i will never close down my blog, simply because, you have been there with me whenever i needed you, for the past 6 years. Thank you, my imaginary friend. ;)

Just writing...

So...3rd year has started. More clinical and practical stuff are included in our syllabus, and i am more than happy to accept it. At least, i feel a little bit more like a dental student. The academic part of the year...up until now...it is all fine :)

So i have a new housemate in my current house. Irish. Have a really strong accent that i tried to understand before, but now i gave up. This is not because i am try to be mean to her or anything...it is just tiring trying to understand every single word that she is trying to say. In addition...she is still that kind of kid...living in her teenage world...trying to talk about cool things...which i don't find cool. So what's the point. Save energy, for better purposes. 

The 3 housemates of mine, they clique really well together. They can go on Tinder talking about hot guys for hours till like 2am in the morning and still continue to do so for the next few days. They smoke shisha together, they talk stuff that i don't understand ( sometimes)....and i felt like i am not their housemate at all. Well, i have to agree that i felt lonely sometimes, as whenever they saw or heard of exciting gossips or just felt like talking nonsense, they will just walk past my room without having the intention of sharing anything with me. Yeah, it was quite saddening sometimes, knowing that you couldn't really fit well into the environment. 

I miss my college life, the togetherness with your housemates, the pillow talk, the dinner gatherings and the birthday celebrations. Those are awesome memories. I know it is hard to get back to those old days as we are all living in a different environments...and maybe we will have less common topics to talk about. Often, i ask myself, is it my problem or it is just because i couldn't find a nice friend that can actually talk with me in Cork. 

Sometimes, i wanted to tell someone about this...but i realised that i have talked about it before and i guess no one could be bothered anyway. So that's why i keep a blog. I'm pretty sure this blog can withstand my thinking and emotions way better than anyone else haha. 3 more years with some nonsense people....and i shall leave ireland. 

My birthday is this Friday. To be honest, i really couldn't be bothered having a celebration with those 3....as they just made me felt like they are not my proper friends. What i hope is, even though is just 1 friend, 1 sincere friend that actually accompany me during my birthday, have shopping spree and some decent dinner together. well...i know it won't happen....but hopefully i will get myself some gifts and cakes that i like! :)

I need to get myself a jacket/ overcoat, a pair of nice boots, an earphone ( my earphone is in a dismal state)..and a nice blackforest cake! I am craving for some blackforest cake now! Gotta search it out in town! That's all for now! ktxbai! :D

那是我内心的恶魔。

不知从何时起，我恐惧那个感受。

我知道我应该坚强，应该独立，应该想办法解决。

但，有时候，我会不够坚定，不够坚强，不够勇敢。

我知道，没人帮得了我。

不敢说，因为会被嫌弃。

我很希望有个人会牵着我的手，告诉我，无论如何，他都会在。

不嫌弃，不批评，不放弃。

可是，有多少人会接受你的好，而同时包容你的不好?

以上所说纯属情绪上的发泄。

我会试着，会努力改变这一切。

我需要给自己更多勇气。

It's tiring to please someone, or even a group of people.

You are trying your best to not appear invisible.

But sometimes, people just couldn't be bothered.

My kindness was taken for granted and was not appreciated.

I was a little bit dissapointed.

But now...Who cares!

I will not try to please you anymore.

If you do not want me to walk into your life, then get lost.

Nothing is forever, nothing is definite.

One day, you shall see.

I will grow stronger, and be a better person.