thinking out loud

Sometimes, i think i am weird.

I am weird in the sense that after i have done something, i will tend to look back, and check if what i have done is appropriate to others, and of course to myself. Human beings are selfish. We tend to take care of our own interests at the first place. However, if you think back and see what people have done for you, will you actually start questioning yourself :" Have i done anything for that person who cared for me so much?" Having someone that cares for you is really a bliss, and yet sometimes we tend to neglect or take them for granted. Yes, we might be busy. But don't forget, everyone is busy. Everyone has their own lives to take care of, and yet when you need them, they are there. Why is this so?

 I guess the only answer to it is priority :)

People always say that i only write in the blog whenever i am moody. Well, that is absolutely true. Sometimes when you confide too much to other people, they might feel annoyed that you always complain. I guess there's a limit to everyone's tolerance towards negative feelings. Haha. So....the only 'person' that will never run away from me is.....a non-organism! so...yeah. this is the place where i throw all the shitty feelings to! Thank you for bearing with me blog. i will never close down my blog, simply because, you have been there with me whenever i needed you, for the past 6 years. Thank you, my imaginary friend. ;)

Just writing...

So...3rd year has started. More clinical and practical stuff are included in our syllabus, and i am more than happy to accept it. At least, i feel a little bit more like a dental student. The academic part of the year...up until now...it is all fine :)

So i have a new housemate in my current house. Irish. Have a really strong accent that i tried to understand before, but now i gave up. This is not because i am try to be mean to her or anything...it is just tiring trying to understand every single word that she is trying to say. In addition...she is still that kind of kid...living in her teenage world...trying to talk about cool things...which i don't find cool. So what's the point. Save energy, for better purposes. 

The 3 housemates of mine, they clique really well together. They can go on Tinder talking about hot guys for hours till like 2am in the morning and still continue to do so for the next few days. They smoke shisha together, they talk stuff that i don't understand ( sometimes)....and i felt like i am not their housemate at all. Well, i have to agree that i felt lonely sometimes, as whenever they saw or heard of exciting gossips or just felt like talking nonsense, they will just walk past my room without having the intention of sharing anything with me. Yeah, it was quite saddening sometimes, knowing that you couldn't really fit well into the environment. 

I miss my college life, the togetherness with your housemates, the pillow talk, the dinner gatherings and the birthday celebrations. Those are awesome memories. I know it is hard to get back to those old days as we are all living in a different environments...and maybe we will have less common topics to talk about. Often, i ask myself, is it my problem or it is just because i couldn't find a nice friend that can actually talk with me in Cork. 

Sometimes, i wanted to tell someone about this...but i realised that i have talked about it before and i guess no one could be bothered anyway. So that's why i keep a blog. I'm pretty sure this blog can withstand my thinking and emotions way better than anyone else haha. 3 more years with some nonsense people....and i shall leave ireland. 

My birthday is this Friday. To be honest, i really couldn't be bothered having a celebration with those 3....as they just made me felt like they are not my proper friends. What i hope is, even though is just 1 friend, 1 sincere friend that actually accompany me during my birthday, have shopping spree and some decent dinner together. well...i know it won't happen....but hopefully i will get myself some gifts and cakes that i like! :)

I need to get myself a jacket/ overcoat, a pair of nice boots, an earphone ( my earphone is in a dismal state)..and a nice blackforest cake! I am craving for some blackforest cake now! Gotta search it out in town! That's all for now! ktxbai! :D

那是我内心的恶魔。

不知从何时起，我恐惧那个感受。

我知道我应该坚强，应该独立，应该想办法解决。

但，有时候，我会不够坚定，不够坚强，不够勇敢。

我知道，没人帮得了我。

不敢说，因为会被嫌弃。

我很希望有个人会牵着我的手，告诉我，无论如何，他都会在。

不嫌弃，不批评，不放弃。

可是，有多少人会接受你的好，而同时包容你的不好?

以上所说纯属情绪上的发泄。

我会试着，会努力改变这一切。

我需要给自己更多勇气。

It's tiring to please someone, or even a group of people.

You are trying your best to not appear invisible.

But sometimes, people just couldn't be bothered.

My kindness was taken for granted and was not appreciated.

I was a little bit dissapointed.

But now...Who cares!

I will not try to please you anymore.

If you do not want me to walk into your life, then get lost.

Nothing is forever, nothing is definite.

One day, you shall see.

I will grow stronger, and be a better person. 

Updates!

5 months has passed. It feels great to be able to write here after such a long time. Well, one of the reasons i created the blog is to pour out my emotions and my thinking in a space where not many people can see. Only my close friends will know that i have a blog and of course, they will know me better by reading my blog. 

2nd semester in 2nd year dentistry is not funny at all. In another words, it is stressful. 9-5 lectures every weekday and yet you have to study at night. Why? Because we have exams every week. It might be small assessments but still, it accounts to 20-30% of your final marks. So...the only way to embrace these challenges is to study. The past few months have been really tough for me, most of our batchmates just felt like giving up dentistry simply because the workload is too overwhelming. Even I, almost cannot take the stress anymore. At that moment when i needed support the most, my family appeared to be the one that is giving my confidence and encouragement. Thanks to Wai Hong too, for listening to my complaints and be there for me whenever i needed you. Though i didn't say it out, but i really appreciate your presence and your encouragement throughout that period. Well of course, i also get to know the true colours of some friends. Friends that refuse to help you whenever you needed them the most. Thank you too, because you make me a stronger person. You make me believe that i can live better without you.

Exam results were out last week. I am really thankful that i passed 2nd year. It has been such a tough year for all of my batchmates. WE MADE IT YOOO!!! Went to leeds and dublin to visit that lovely boy of mine during holidays....and of course...SUMMER TRIP! Went to Italy and Malta for about 10 days! It was and will always be a great experience travelling around the world! You get to see the world with you own eyes :)  

Clinics have started this week. Basically, it is just a period of 3 weeks where you are supposed to shadow seniors, observe procedures and help out whenever they need you. It is a wonderful feeling to wear medical scrubs and walk like a pro :P   but obviously...still not a pro! in 3 years time..i will be a dentist! hahaha :D 

Last  but not least, i am waiting to go back home!!! Do you know why i love home? Because home is where the heart is. I will always love my home, love my family. They are the best!