I can still remember those days during exams. First two weeks during the A-level exam. I was aimless and mindless and did not know what should i do. I lay on the bed, massage my belly and hoped that everything will go right automatically. Shhh. I'm not pregnant. Don't misunderstand me.
It hurts to know that you wanted to do something but you have no energy to accomplish it. Right, doctor in Klinik Rosli said because i did not eat when i hungry so the gas released by the gastric juice filled my stomach before the official eating time. So? End up losing appetite to eat. Yes, i lost about 3 kg during exam. Why? It's not that i do not want to eat, is i cannot eat. I can still remember how i thought i have recovered and went to Al-awwal ordering roti canai. After a few bites, i feel like vomiting. Cold sweat. Fear. Everything dark is creeping into my mind. The next day is the first paper of A-level exam. How can i get sick? OH MY~ Steady, i told myself. Steady. I said i want to go back to hostel. Now. I asked Howard :" Ask the waiter to tapao back my roti canai. You go pay the bill first and i shall pay you back later." Not that i want to complain, but he sit there and waived at the waiter. When the waiter ignored him, he continued to sit there and waive aimlessly at the waiter. I was so so so angry that time. I was sitting in front of you, feeling so uncomfortable with cold sweat dripping from my forehead and you just sat there and tried in vain to get the waiter's attention. Got fed up, i shouted at the waiter. I did not want to be mean to anybody but i felt so nervous, uncomfortable with the stuffy environment and all i wanted that time is to go back hostel. Very true, at that moment, i felt that this guy could not protect me. I did not know what happen to me that day, but i felt helpless. This was the second time in my life feeling so nervous.
Great. Those 2 weeks were dreadful. Unable to eat normal food, i ate porridge, steamed vegetables....and i have to distract myself from the fact that i have no appetite to eat. I forced myself to eat because i know if i did not eat, i will have no energy to sit for the exams. Being so energy-less and those mistakes that i have made during that period, i felt like my future has gone. Exaggerating. Ya, maybe. But the unsettled feeling lasted for about 1 more week. After shedding all the tears that i have shed during the first 3 weeks, I decided that i should stand up again. No point crying here and there. Seriously. It doesn't help. Even though i still feel pain, deep inside my heart. No failures Li Ying. Don't ever let yourself fall due to your own mistake. Be strong. Be independent. Be hopeful.
Sometimes, i hate myself for being so troublesome. Small sickness here and there. Burdening to my parents. Again liying, be strong, steady and hopeful. You will be fine. You will. Now and forever.
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