纵使天空在哭泣，你的心也能像阳光一样充满能量与勇气。

不要让未来的你，憎恨现在的你。

希望有一天，当你回头时，刻在脸上的，是当初纯真的笑容。

Empty

The house is sooooo empty now~~ sooo empty. Weekends are always the same. Irish housemates went back, the westernized Hongkee will wake up late and my roommate will disappear. My roommate disappear? HAHA. Yeah. Every weekend, she will go to this one senior house. Never fail. Once i thought won't she feel she is disturbing other people by keep popping out in their house? Then she goes, no lah. They do their own thing and i do my own thing. They don't have to layan me. Then i was thinking inside my mind~ but you are still a guest? For me, maybe just for me, no matter how close i am to a particular senior..i won't go visit them every week. Perhaps they need some housemate moments? Perhaps someday they are just so lazy to portray great hospitality towards a guest or friend? So yeah.

Well. She was saying that they do their own things when she is in their house. Meaning the main purpose of her going there is to be someone she is familar with, with the same religion, same interest and speak the same language. She wants to feel that she is in a proper house and not just an apartment. She wants to feel warm. I fully understand that. The apartment is cold, you know. There is no warmth in this apartment. To me it is not a house at all. I just stay here because i need a place to sleep and do my own things without interruption from the outer world. Sometimes, i just want to do things myself, cook alone eat alone and enjoy the silent moment. But for her it is different. I understand that she needs someone. She is not the type of girl that can be forever alone and stay in the house for ages. She needs some mentor or senior to guide, take care and talk to her. Being alone for 1 week is enough for her. She need to replenish those 'nutrients' at the end of the week. HAHA. So there she goes~ :)

It is good for her. I do not want to see her feeling sad that no one is by her side. Sometimes she say she feel different from the MARA students because they have their own gang and she is the only one from JPA. MARA students they know each other for a long time but she only know them when she reach ireland. I pity her sometimes. She looks strong, but i know she wants to feel being close to someone. Obviously, i cannot be the one no matter how. Religion is so important in her life that she needs her close friend to be able to share everything with her, from religion to life moments to academic issues. I'm sorry for not being able to do so.

Sometimes i do envy her. She has such a wonderful senior that is always willing to be with her when she need them. Perhaps Chinese people are less integrated....seniors do their own thing~ and seniors remain as seniors, it's hard to become friends with the. They are all so serious. Anyway, i hope that she will feel better going there, at least she does not feel empty inside and she is able to use the strength and 'nutrients' that she gained during the weekend to survive another week. Take care my dear roommie, if you need anything, just give me a call :)

Stupid Day!!

Yes today is a stupid day. 23rd of October 2013. First i overslept. I'm supposed to wake up at 7am and cook my lunch so that i can stay in the library and reduce the amount of walking for the day. At 9am i am supposed to meet the physiotherapist. I PAID FOR IT AND I MISSED IT. The lady at the reception was telling me that i have to pay extra to make another appointment because i did not turn up today. I was like wth??? I got so mad at her...ya i understand it is my fault but could't you just give me another appointment? I charged me 25 euro for nothing. At that moment i seriously feel disgusted looking at her face. ISHHH.

Another thing. I was asking this Ukraine guy in my class something about the lecture because i don't really get what the lecturer was talking about. Yes the lecturer is always slurring. =.= I don't like to attend his class. HAIZ. And yet at this moment this beautiful lady wearing branded clothes just  poked this guy and asked him questions. And this ukraine guy even turned over and taught her for a long time about this and that and that. He totally ignored me. First of all, the guy has a problem. He doesn't know number 1 comes before number 2. Perhaps he was more attracted to pretty ladies (it is a fact and i don't like it). BUT THE GIRL IS THE REAL PROBLEM. This is the second time of her doing this. Interrupting people's conversation and did not even say a word to me. She just expect everyone to follow her pace and she should get what she wants when she need it. YA I ADMIT YOU ARE PRETTIER AND RICHER AND MORE FASHIONABLE BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY YOU ARE OLDER THAN ME! Being rich and wanted to wear branded stuff and does not want to do housework is your freedom, i won't interrupt and comment on everything because YOU ARE JUST A SPOILT OLD WOMAN SPENDING YOUR PARENTS' MONEY AS IF THE MONEY DROPPED DOWN FROM THE SKY. But where is you manners??? You could not even respect people. Ya i might not be as rich and fashionable and knowledgeable and AS OLD AS YOU but i am still a human being studying in the same class as you. ARE YOU BLIND? This is just a basic manner and you could not even bother to learn it. I always thought older people should be wiser and apparently i am wrong. If you do not want to lend me your notes just tell me because i know you are from a country where most people are kia su. Just tell me straight to the face that i want that first class honour and i don't want you to be my competitor so i won't lend you my notes. Finish. This is so much better than giving thousand of shitty excuses. FINE. I DON'T BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE SMARTER THAN GOOGLE. I ENDURE YOU JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE MY CLASSMATE. I will still smile to you when i see you but never expect me to respect you anymore.

This is super annoying. My dad just popped out and asked if i am ok. I feel like telling him everything but i have to hold back. I don't want him to know what happened to me here. I hope that he knows i am fine everyday and i am living happily here. He has been worrying for me for 20 years and he should get some rest now. I should not bother him with all these bullshit. Since i am in ireland and i could not take care of you physically, at least i hope i can reduce your burden by never asking money from you and never let you know these things that i am facing. But don't worry my parents, i write it here because i need to remove those stuff from my brain and return my heartbeat to 72 times per minute. This is so much better than throwing plates right? HAHA. Don't worry, i will be clear of what reality is and gradually mould myself to be an independent and be able to survive in this evolving world.

PS : ignore my english. I am just writing whatever that comes out of my mind. I am not writing an essay. so yeah.

The only thing worth to be happy about for today is : i plan to cook and eat maggie for dinner! awesome! :)

Feeling of the day

Yeah. It's Saturday again. I suppose to be happy for the weekend~ but somehow i could not find anything to hope for during these 2 days. So...end up moodless. Haha. Thanks to my wonderful tendon, i visited the physiotherapist on Wednesday. Acupuncture needles on my calf and tendon. It is painful. Luckily i did not cry, that will be so embarrassing...with other UCC students outside looking at this weird Asian girls hehe.

Walked out from the student health centre. With my cacated foot, i walked alone down the street to go to my class. Yeap, it did not feel good walking alone with that painful foot when the cold wind keep slapping your face. At that moment, i realised that i am officially alone in this country. Alone as in, when you encounter any problem, you have to solve it yourself and face it yourself. It is not easy to face everything alone as i used to have really good and close friends in INTEC. Astynnia, Cindy and Tulip~They will always be there whenever i need help or company. Maybe it's because our character can somehow complement each other and we have the same interests, we always go out together, eat together, watch videos together and help each other. We should get the 'Best House Award' in akasia. Haha. Now they are all gone, all in Dublin and i'm alone here. Of course i feel sad~ but what can i do?

People always say...make new friends. Yeah of course i like to make new friends! I like it when a big group of friends can go city centre to try out new food and explore new places but in reality it is not easy to achieve. Everyone has their own thing to do, they are busy and so you cannot expect them to be there for you whenever you need them. And...you do have to realise that, when it's time to have fun you will have lots of friends; when you need help everyone just seem to disappear. Mind you~ they don't reply messages.
Eating alone, walking alone, go to gym alone, study alone,settle things alone~ these are all so common here.
So..conclusion is, just do it yourself. All by yourself,if possible.

Sometimes i will just feel like crying whenever i thought of that heartless guy. After a minute i will just slap my face and tell myself that it is not worth it to shed your tears for him. Since he ask you to leave, so what's the point of staying? Betraying this relationship and keep popping out after that to ask what i am doing everyday is just ridiculous. Perhaps he just does not know...how much this hurts me~ Somehow, he makes me feel that true love does not exist...and relationships are just bullshit. Yeah~ i am so fed up with these kind of things. So troublesome and it is a total waste of time. Work hard for yourself and support yourself in the future. One day, i will be a better person and you will regret for ditching me. One day, I will just walk pass you without my heart aching. One day, i will just totally forget about you...Live without him and stay happy.

I'm learning to be strong right now~whenever you feel weak, look at the limitless sky and tell yourself that nothing is impossible. You can do it!!! Cheers! :D

2013 年的悲剧

是的，我失恋了。哈哈。想笑？尽管笑吧~笑我这女孩怎么那么失败。

是的，他很好。虽然不能说100% 好，但至少他会体谅我的感受，会聆听我的抱怨，会尽他所能陪在我身边。他不帅，但至少长相端正；他不壮，但至少我懒惰走路时他能背我走那一段路。

或许吧~ 她比较好？哈哈。那天，当他告诉我他或许喜欢上一个刚认识两个星期的朋友的时候，我真的不知怎么反应。。。该哭吗？还是该笑？那天，是我将离开大马的前两天。。。
有点傻傻的我，还让他去机场送机，我好怕父母知道后会不放心让我去爱尔兰。没办法，先隐瞒吧~二十岁的人了没理由还要父母担心那么多吧！

就这样，我来到了这陌生的城市，带着他给我的伤痛，和这段感情赐给我的教训。下一次， 我只想谈不分手的恋爱。否则，我会选择单身吧。。。

来到这里以后，我经常告诉自己：要坚强，要独立，要保护自己。

丽盈，你听懂了吗？

FINALLYYY

All right. It's time to leave Malaysia. HAHA. I was excited and nervous lol. Am i weird? Prepared everything for such a long time and now is finally the day. D-DAYYYYYYYYY  :DD

Well...actually i have nothing much to say, as i cannot really write a proper blog post when i'm in hyper mood. So yeah. You saw me crapping all the way HEHE.

To that guy that once treated me well, BYE BYE. 我相信我们会更好的。

To my dear parents, I LOVE U!! HUG HUG!! :)

To my dear friends, i love u too and don't forget about me!!! :D

To myself who is gonna live out of your own country, be strong no matter what. Nothing cannot be solved and don't give yourself too much pressure. You need to live life. Take care, stay healthy and ENJOYYYYYY!!!! HURRAY!

忙后感

考试成绩在两个礼拜前出炉了，感谢神明，家人，朋友及自己。过了那关，说实在，是松了一口气。之前一直胆战心惊，不是我多虑，而是我真的害怕所有的努力会因为那时的糊涂而烟消云散。做不完的梦是最痛的，所以要嘛做一场轰轰烈烈的梦，要嘛什么梦都别妄想。只要开始了，就得做到底，无怨无悔。

这两个星期，说闲也不闲。有很多东西要买，很多事情要问，很多垃圾要清理，很多文件要处理。走上走下。。。好在这种忙是我乐在其中的！ 哈哈！忙啊忙啊忙啊~

最后，我的目的地是CORK。 很多人听到这消息时通常会给我两种反应。第一，虾米？唉！真可怜没去到 TRINITY！放心！他们不是不要你啦！=.=  第二，哦？那里是哪里？有机场吗？那个地方在爱尔兰么？
哈哈。习惯就好。人总是那么可爱。管他讽刺或祝福，终究我还是得一个人去到那陌生的地方。去DUBLIN的朋友们，总是成群结队，路上有说有笑，能互相照应，能互相解闷。可，若你是知道我情况的朋友，你会明白为什么我说我是一个人。。。
听到朋友们说要在DUBLIN集合，还要约出来聚会，我听了真是羡慕不已。毕竟，我没这个机会。那种感觉是难以形容的。在INTEC也已经是这样了，毕竟读牙科的朋友极少，有些人认为我们有特权，认为老师比较疼惜我们，其实因为我们人数少，我们常常被忽略。 很多MEETING，我们都需要自己去查去问才知道我们是否于PMC掺在一起还是分开。很多文件，也许亲自向他们索取，否则他们完全不知道你的存在。所以由始至终，很多人还以为我是PMC 那一组的，而我也懒得解释了。就算了吧~

我无法想象以后的日子。我希望一切会安好，一切会无恙。

夜思

转啊转啊转啊

浮云搅成一团绵糖

溶化了苍穹无止尽的蓝

晕

一阵清凉直下背脊

地面仿佛在晃动着

荡漾着不安无奈惶恐

还有几些日子

安定会归来

反地心引力的方向

是广阔的海洋

是自由的草原

是宁静的心境

看似近在咫尺

却远在天涯

比泡泡还更虚幻的

是对自己肯定的心

看透了

却摸不明

漂浮在汪洋大海中

回不去

但又看不见对岸

月末

七月的最后一天。
吃饭看戏运动发呆睡觉，
再也平凡不过了。
考试时无法看的戏统统补回。
考试时无法睡觉的时间现在都拿来睡觉。
考试时无法完成的事情全给它做完了！

时间过得真快~我倒有些舍不得。。。长大后，朋友少了，烦恼多了。。。
毕竟旧时的朋友聚少离多，每个人都有不同的时间表，要聚在一起实属难得。
叹！原来距离的远近不是用数字所能衡量的。。。
冷却的，是心的疏离。
缘起缘灭，纵我尽力趋前，仍抵不过现实的风暴。

你在那儿，有了新朋友，玩得可开心吧？
现在万万没想到要见一面竟是如此困难。
时间不对。。真的不对。

明天就是八月了。我无法想象那天的到来。到来后，我的日子定会不同。不会像我现在如此逍遥了。。。
那天之后，你若找不着我，就别找了。
我会躲在自己舒适的角落，安静地过着我该过得生活。

安啦！我会好好的。

It Hurts

I can still remember those days during exams. First two weeks during the A-level exam. I was aimless and mindless and did not know what should i do. I lay on the bed, massage my belly and hoped that everything will go right automatically. Shhh. I'm not pregnant. Don't misunderstand me.

It hurts to know that you wanted to do something but you have no energy to accomplish it. Right, doctor in Klinik Rosli said because i did not eat when i hungry so the gas released by the gastric juice filled my stomach before the official eating time. So? End up losing appetite to eat. Yes, i lost about 3 kg during exam. Why? It's not that i do not want to eat, is i cannot eat. I can still remember how i thought i have recovered and went to Al-awwal ordering roti canai. After a few bites, i feel like vomiting. Cold sweat. Fear. Everything dark is creeping into my mind. The next day is the first paper of A-level exam. How can i get sick? OH MY~ Steady, i told myself. Steady. I said i want to go back to hostel. Now. I asked Howard :" Ask the waiter to tapao back my roti canai. You go pay the bill first and i shall pay you back later." Not that i want to complain, but he sit there and waived at the waiter. When the waiter ignored him, he continued to sit there and waive aimlessly at the waiter. I was so so so angry that time. I was sitting in front of you, feeling so uncomfortable with cold sweat dripping from my forehead and you just sat there and tried in vain to get the waiter's attention. Got fed up, i shouted at the waiter. I did not want to be mean to anybody but i felt so nervous, uncomfortable with the stuffy environment and all i wanted that time is to go back hostel. Very true, at that moment, i felt that this guy could not protect me. I did not know what happen to me that day, but i felt helpless. This was the second time in my life feeling so nervous.

Great. Those 2 weeks were dreadful. Unable to eat normal food, i ate porridge, steamed vegetables....and i have to distract myself from the fact that i have no appetite to eat. I forced myself to eat because i know if i did not eat, i will have no energy to sit for the exams. Being so energy-less and those mistakes that i have made during that period, i felt like my future has gone. Exaggerating. Ya, maybe. But the unsettled feeling lasted for about 1 more week. After shedding all the tears that i have shed during the first 3 weeks, I decided that i should stand up again. No point crying here and there. Seriously. It doesn't help. Even though i still feel pain, deep inside my heart. No failures Li Ying. Don't ever let yourself fall due to your own mistake. Be strong. Be independent. Be hopeful.

Sometimes, i hate myself for being so troublesome. Small sickness here and there. Burdening to my parents. Again liying, be strong, steady and hopeful. You will be fine. You will. Now and forever.

做人

做人？哈哈~别想歪了！不是你们想的那种做人！而是待人处事应有的礼貌与尊重。

这世上，有的人说功课难，守业难，做父母亲难，当老师难，当乞丐难。。。但我个人认为做人更难。

何谓做人？事实上，这个词有点抽象，它形容某一种行为，而这种行为能掀起的涟漪极广，不但牵涉到经济，人际关系，面子，更与某个人的教育素养有着极大的联系。

自幼，父母总教我们如何做人。
看到长辈时，要会叫人！不是叫你看着他喊 “人！” 而是依据他的辈分给予尊敬的称呼，并握手，好让别人知道你察觉并承认了他的存在。

吃饭时要叫人，尤其是长辈。不要将爱吃的菜肴全部放在自己盘上，要记得，别人也有权吃到他自己那一份。

早上见到人时要说早安！不要当别人是透明的，擦肩而过时眼对眼看着对方，然后以最友善的笑容回应彼此的招呼。

别人给你东西，请切记说谢谢。下一次有机会，要懂得回礼。不论是再好的朋友，夫妻或亲戚家人都需保持一定的礼貌。别人给你东西吃，吃后应有礼貌的给予一些评价~好让别人知道你珍惜并接受他的送礼，心里定会开心些。。。

有时候，长辈不好意思开口要求晚辈做些事情。这时候，他们会用暗示的方式与你沟通。头脑灵活一点的晚辈若明白了对方的意思，就该尽力去完成。当然，有的人虽明白了却也装傻。有时候，有些人真的会完全get 不到他们所要表达的意思。于是，亲戚朋友对于你的评价更会在那圈子里传开来。。。亲戚之间也会八卦的哦！我本身就听了好多回。。。

有时他们会说。。这小孩很孝顺，出门时会扶着我；可是那个小孩理都不理我，自己跑出去玩~ 当这些闲言闲语飘过那些小孩父母的耳朵里，叫他们的父母作何感想？这些话，父母总会得到一个结论 ：“我们教小孩教得不够好。” 他们的面子和自尊将受创！

学会做人，不仅仅是为你父母面子着想，更是让你维持很好人际关系的主要桥梁。

当然，有人的地方就会有是非。

不论是再好的人，总会得到一些负面的评价，这是因为每个人都有不同的立场。不同的立场会导致每个人从不同的角度去评论一些事情，就算不懂来龙去脉也要插上一脚，好让自己因为能赶得上这八卦而感到威风。有的人甚爱委屈求全，为了得到别人嘉赏而处处迎合别人。殊不知，无论你做什么，你永远无法完全得到每个人的认可，因为这就是事实。与其让自己活在别人的影子地下，倒不如抬头挺胸，过自己想要的生活！

当然，此番话并不是叫你我行我素，把别人抛掷九霄云外。

只是，在某些事情上，别人的意见听听，汲取好的让自己进步，而丢却多余的。不要太过在意别人的看法，因为有的人只会针对表面的假象而做出评论，并非知道来龙去脉后给予的看法。这样，你才能活得开心一点，愉快一点，轻松一点。

或许，你会认为做人做得非常虚伪。明明心情不好又必须笑脸迎人。但敢问一句，这世上许多的真真假假，又岂是我们能够用一生去分辨的？

这世界，无论有多真，都需要靠虚假来填补空缺，来支撑，来划上圆满的句点。

有对就有错，有是就有非，有善必有恶。

做人是一门深不可测的学问，而自古以来，这是每个人都需报读的课程，只是。。。从来都没有人能够顺利毕业。

好人，好事

坦白说，我这一生，至少到目前为止，虽不能说经历了什么大风大浪，但某些起起伏伏总是有的。有些意外发生在不经意间，措手不及的你或许会摔了一跤，但我们必须谨记，要从原地爬起。人总会有登高跌重的时候，也有从低潮跃起的时刻，反正，不论是荣耀或羞耻的事情，一切都会过去。

感谢这一路以来都有贵人相助，方能让我在此刻过得无忧无虑。

旧家的邻居。我家工人无故逃走时多亏你在门前收留我这个站在大太阳底下痴痴等待父母归来的小孩。还好，你不是坏人将我掳走，还煮午餐给我吃。此恩情，必定铭记在心。

幼时另一位工人。她总会呵护我。每当看到她在家里走来走去，我总会觉得特别安心。因为，我知道，若我受到什么委屈，她总会安慰完我之后挺身而出。她好似我第二个妈。哈哈。好温暖 :)

小学华语教师。还记得我因不满同学将蚂蚁放在我颈上而将他送给我的卡片剪成碎片归还。你一怒之下将书本从我书包倒出，惊动了老师。老师不仅没骂我，还细心指导我待人处事之道，毕业后更教导我如何练写散文。您，算是我的启蒙老师吧！老师万岁！

中学华语教师。感谢你给我机会参加各州甚至全国散文比赛。你鼓励我创作，并要我不断创作。你觉得我做人脚踏实地，让我担任重要的职位。殊不知，我在任职期间更懂得如何带领同学们，如何在台上说话不颤抖，如何与老师和家长沟通，如何写计划书，如何鞭策自己以让自己成为别人眼中言正名顺的领导者。至今，若我有要事帮忙，您总会照顾我，为我打点。感谢您的出现，愿您桃李满天下。

父母。滴水之恩，涌泉相报。养育之恩，难以回报。若要我将您的付出写成一篇文章，我想永无停笔之日是必然的。我只能说，以后，我必当尽孝。


自己。虽有时会彷徨没有方向，会胡思乱想，会情绪失控，会压力大到无法压抑，会忐忑不安，会沮丧悲观，会觉得孤单， 但是最后，你还是勇敢地站了起来。永远，不能输给自己。加油！











感谢，一切有你。

帅

对我来说帅的定义有很多。

认真的男人最帅。

体贴的男人最帅。

绅士的男人最帅。

细心的男人最帅。

幽默的男人最帅。

浪漫的男人最帅。

大方的男人最帅。

疼老婆或女朋友的男人最帅。

才华横溢的男人最帅。

真心付出的男人最帅。

通情达理的男人最帅。

思路开阔的男人最帅。

小心开车的男人最帅。

爱护生物的男人最帅。

社会知识充裕的男人最帅。

抱着小孩尽露父爱的男人最帅。

替小孩抱尿布的男人最帅。

每个女人都希望找个好男人吧。哈哈！又帅又好的男人？快绝种了吧！

干脆，不嫁？

终结

转眼间，又到了另一个季节。自从两年前和INTEC相识之后，我的生活总离不开它。上课，考试，成群结队的朋友。。。如今，人面不知何处去，桃花依旧笑春风。想必今后大家就要各奔前程了吧！欣慰之余，颇为感伤。

还记得两年前在akasia 报到, 带着满满的自信与离国游学的梦想踏入这离我家不远的土地。当我拿到奖学金时，各方传来的贺喜祝福语不少，因此自己心里就设定一个目标：一定要好好读书，不让家人朋友和自己失望。毕竟，这一切，是我辛苦得来的一切，怎能吊儿郎当地过日子？因此，在semester 1 的时候，有朋友告诉我说：“你怎么那么用功？哈哈！” 不用功。。。好像会对不起自己啊！

遇到了我家那四位千金。他们总说我给人的印象很像千金小姐。可我左看右看上看下看自己却很像在菜市场购物的妇女？有时候真懒惰打扮，尤其在那处处须注意衣裤长度的地方。闷热的天气将促使你忘掉一切化妆品与唯美的衣裳，将头发髻上，但求能感受到一丝凉意。想变妇女。。。这是何等容易啊！来我宿舍便可！哈哈！四个人住在同一个屋檐下，纷争始终是难免的。偶有意见不和，言语或行事上有冲突之时，好在彼此各让一步，一切方能小事化无。生活在一起，贵在一个‘和’字，不是吗？总该知道这世上的人千奇百怪，各有各的性格，或许你会看他不顺眼，她看你敬而远之。。。但一切只不过是过眼云烟，笑一笑即可，不必搞得自己如此难堪。

扪心自问，我对自己的学业从未疏忽过。纵使自己无法完全将整本课本的精华吸取藏在脑袋，但至少我努力过。这两年以来，每次考试我都极为重视，并且尽我最大的力量从老师手中夺取更多分数，不为别的，就为我的梦想堆砖筑路。最后的这一次考试，更是卯足全力拼了命在冲刺。但，世事难料。倘若你真心问我，我将坦诚告诉你这是我考过最烂的考试。表现不尽理想并不是因为其他原因，是因为自己的粗心大意。考试头三个礼拜，每每回到家中我都忍不住哭泣。我好自责自己为何努力了那么久，偏偏要在这重要时刻犯下大错。告诉INTEC 的朋友吧。。他们总会认为损失一两分是鸡毛蒜皮之事，但我因为粗心而损失的分数超过6 分！当别人在劝别人是话总说得特别轻松，因为说到底事情与他并无任何干系。倘若你自己面临如此窘境，你的那句“别担心，没事，你可以的’ 能说得如此落落大方吗？

是，我是担心。我非常担心。你能想像两年以来大大小小考试都拿A 的学生在最后一关饮恨吗？当几百只眼睛瞪着你看你何时带着荣耀飞去爱尔兰时，你心里就会好似被刀割一般，流血不止。你不知道，我父亲闭口不让我多说更不让我多想关于印度的任何事情，他总说要有正面思考，但当一切都由不得我做主的时候，正面思考并不会给你什么，更不会扭转什么。这是别人自我安慰的一句话罢了。就算你的思想有多么正面，输了就是输了。别人不会因为你的正面思考而破例让你带着不过关的分数踏入大学的大门。不是我为人现实，而现实本就如此，我只是将它说出来，逼着大家面对现实。毕竟，人总爱自欺欺人。

那些日子，眼泪都快流干了。心力交瘁。三个礼拜后，我尽力让自己不去多想，告诉自己一切还有机会，剩下来的考试好好做就是了。但，那些考卷可真要人命！真的太难了。结果？现在的我已没有眼泪了。希望一点点地被侵蚀。。。我无法想象考试成绩出炉的当天。或许，若一切不尽理想，我会选择消失吧。消失在自己的心里。

别说我过于悲观，因为我本是乐观的人类。

Post-trial

Time to update my blog. Sorry to abandon you for such a long time. Poor thing. But i need to abandon you in order to study haha. Guess what? Trial is over. OVER! Can you believe it? I can still picture the moments that i have been studying and preparing for trials. Wake up Li Ying. Live in reality ok? I have this problem. I always feel unrealistic. Urgh. Give myself a big slap on my face. Perhaps some cold water splash too? haha :)

Thank you so much. To everyone, for everything. I have passed my interview. Really thank you. Other than this, a big hug maybe? :D I'm really happy at that moment when i got the results from Mdm. Rita. After a few minutes, i thought of the fact that i have to score all As in external exam. My heart sank at that moment. Perhaps other people couldn't understand, how important this interview it is to me. Not my INTEC friends of course, because i believe everyone came to INTEC harbours dreams to fly to their destinated countries at the end of the semester. Wish you all luck too! Everyone must fly! Cheers! :D
What i'm saying is, my friends and my relatives...They always see it as something that is very confirmed, as they keep asking me when i am flying to ireland. I have to explain again and again that everything depends on interview results and final exam results. So, it is not confirmed yet. At the end, they will sure add on a sentence :" you can definitely do it even though you didn't sit for the exam. " I was like ?@?@@ hahahaha! Well, you cannot expect everyone to understand your situation and remember every single details that you have told them, so sometimes when i got fed up, i'll just say don't know?

Exam tells me a lot of things. Not only about my own ability, but also about other people's characters. Common phenomenon during exam period? Study of course~ HAHA! Of course, studying is a necessary measure in order to get good results. However, sometimes i will feel 心寒. Chinese word? Yes, i couldn't find an english word that can correctly describe this feeling. You can see people taking care of only themselves and totally oblivious of their friends. People always say when you work you'll meet selfish people because there are competition among you two. For us students, exam and good grades are so important, especially if you are a sponsored student. Good friends that used to go to school together will start to move in separate ways because they do not want to waste time waiting for each other. They study on their own and do not want to discuss with others because they do not want to get distracted. Conversations among good friends can reduce till sometimes they do not even speak more than ten sentences to each other. People fought for their own bags kept in the store room in the exam hall.  Exam is like a war zone. When the war starts, you'll know who is your true friend. Human nature are selfish? Just that they show out exceptionally obvious during these circumstances. Are you willing to take a little time to care for your friend when you are facing the most important event in your life?

Some friends were saying that there's no hard paper for me. That's why they always do not believe when i say that the paper is hard. I thought that statement is very unfair for me even though i didn't speak it out. Do you really understand me to comment on my personality? Different people have different standards that they want to achieve. For you, maybe the definition of 'hard' is that  you are unable to get an A, but to me maybe the definition is i am not confident to get 85 or even A*. So when the results came out and i got an A, people will say :" See! So fake. Still say the paper is so hard. Fake la you. Say very hard very hard still get A, i'm worst than you la! I got B only...next time do not want to believe in you edi~" What should i reply then? Should i say "ohhyaaa~ i was just playing around with you because you are so cute. You say hard then i say hard lo~" If i want to achieve an A* but based on my performance i am not confident that i can even get an A, of course i'll say it's hard right? If not i should tell you very confidently that the paper is so easy! Sure can get A! Then? At the end if i get a B, you'll show me the kesian look. What for?

I always work hard to get good results, because i know that's the only way that i can achieve what i want to achieve and do not disappoint other people. But sometimes, i feel really really exhausted. I feel like i do not want to study anymore. I do not want to sit for exams. I do not want to be a study machine. But how? i am not smart, that's why i need to work hard. Very hard. You might see me being able to understand a certain topic very easily, but do you know that i have read through this topic for about 5 times before i can explain it to you? I always want to go home, not only because i want to accompany my parents, but also because i want to be surrounded by caring people. I couldn't find them in INTEC and in akasia. I always remind myself too be independent because when i turn around, i always find no one behind me. Even if there are, it is only temporary. Only he can understand that i'm always not confident of my exam results and are always there for me when i am emotional. He'll always listen to my complaints, even though he got bored of it. He might not be the most handsome guy in this world, but at this moment, he's a good listener and a good friend. Definitely.

Okay Li Ying~~ stop complaining. Just move forward with whatever that you have now. At least, you still have yourself and your parents. Chill and sleep. Good night.

事后感

从那一扇门走出来后，我的心情很复杂。刚刚那十五分钟，决定了我的未来。那期盼已久的时刻，到了，也成为历史了。两个月前，我就已开始准备应付这艰巨的任务。我不喜欢打没把握的仗，更不喜欢脑袋空空被人问傻了。那种笨笨的感觉，很不自在，对我来说也是一种侮辱。我努力，一方面为了我的梦想迈进，另一方面，我不希望因为自己的懒惰而造成万一失败后的遗憾。我不喜欢在完成一件事后感到担忧，感到没安全感。。。我想要有自信地告诉自己我已经尽了最大的努力，成败与否，那都是我可以接受的结局。

为何心情很复杂? 其实，我也不知道。可能我觉得我能做得更好吧！这一次，只许成功，不许失败。话虽然是这么说，可是有这么容易吗？是，去爱尔兰是我得梦想，我很努力很努力想要达成目标。可是，努力不一定会有好的结局。我慌，不是因为怕输，而是怕失去。我害怕听到那颗玻璃心碎了一地刺耳的声响。别人总会说你那么聪明，成绩那么好，讲话也不错，一定可以飞的！感谢鼓励，但我对那‘一定’有些些怀疑。不是怀疑你，而是怀疑我自己。

别人对你的慰问，会让你觉得好一些，但却不能给予实质上的帮助，所以为什么别人总说最后还得靠自己。我不会呆在‘这儿’很久，因为我知道这样无补于事。但有时候，心底仍会浮现一些不确定感。

成绩还没出炉，想这么多干什么？不知道。我就是一个爱想东想西的女孩。
这样的一个人，很难理解吧？
不需理解，我理解自己就好。

最后，仍想感谢几位帮助我的人：）

爸爸妈妈。谢谢你们给予我的劝告及嘘寒问暖。你们买给我的衣，我当天都有穿上哦！

Howard. 每当我很紧张时我都会告诉你。虽然为了这个课题我吵了你很多次，跟你诉苦很多次，但你还是不厌其烦地安慰我，鼓励我，给我意见。你给我的能量都是整能量！谢谢你陪我走过这一段路。。。而且我相信，以后不论发生什么事，你都会在我身旁 ：）

Zi Yi. 功臣之一。不好意思一直打扰你。虽然看似朋友很多，但愿意花时间陪我练习，给我意见，告诉我我得缺点的朋友少过十位。可是，你是其中一位。为此，我真的很感谢你。每次我需要帮助时我都会想到你，因为你给的建议很实际，很中肯。而且你也很常上线。谢谢你哦！改天请你吃饭！ ：）

Astynnia, Aliff, Zakiah, Dzar. 谢谢你们陪我，也陪自己练习。虽然我察觉得出，你们对于彼此还是有一点点保留。这是人性，我能理解。相信我们都已付出许多，希望我们五位都能飞去爱尔兰读书吧！

还有一些seniors 和祝福我的每一位朋友，谢谢你们！每一天，我都会祈祷。祈祷我得梦想能实现。拜托~请给我一次机会。我会尽我最大的努力来回报您。

拜托~